Why do they call them "Carols" if Carol Bayer Sager (or anyone else named Carol) had nothing to do with 99.9% of them?

Well, 'tis the season once again. Time for a well worn catalogue of about 150 songs to be absolutely played to death by nearly every music outlet in the universe. This is supposed to create "holiday cheer???" I'd much rather have a quiet living room sofa, sitting with my family drinking hot chocolate and watching big snowflakes drifting down outside the picture window. Given global warming, however, it seems that a white Christmas is a statistical improbability anywhere except Denver and Buffalo, so that's out. Thus, in the appropriate spirit of resignation (and after an entertaining little debate on the matter a short time ago), I offer up my 10 favorite holiday songs, as well as my 5 most disliked. Please keep in mind that music is a very personal thing, so your mileage may vary.

1. "The Hallelujah Chorus" - Frederick Handel, sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The showstopping finale from the greatest musical rendition of the Greatest Story Ever Told (tm, the Catholic Church, Rome). In my opinion, not just a great piece of holiday music, but one of THE brilliant classical music scores ever written. It still gives me goosebumps every time I hear it.
2. "Christmas Eve in Sarajevo" - Trans-Siberian Orchestra. How the remnants of a semi-popular heavy metal band were able to come up with this simultaneously thundering yet haunting instrumental classic is completely beyond my ability to comprehend. It is the only other song that gives me goosebumps every time I hear it, not just because of the instantly memorable melodic hooks but because of the juxtaposition of one of the 1990's greatest tragedies with one of the Western world's holiest days. A simply stunning work that makes me stop what I am doing every time it comes on the radio.
3. "Christmastime is Here" - The Vince Guaraldi Trio - You may not know the name, but I guarantee you know the song. I could have picked any of the three classics from "A Charlie Brown Christmas," but to me this is the best is it is both specific to Christmas ("Lucy and Linus" first appeared in this show but is in most of the Peanuts animated shorts) and an original composition (why I eliminated "O Tannenbaum" from consideration). Like a great wine, this smooth, sophisticated piece of genius is a relaxing counterpoint to the hustle and bustle of the season. Perhaps the world's only 6 minute stress buster.
4. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" - Andy Williams Orchestra. I refuse to acknowledge the Christmas season is drawing near until I hear this chestnut played during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. To me, that really kicks off the holiday season. It's not as musically impressive as the first three songs on this list, but the catchy melody and swelling orchestration make it memorable, even if I still don't get the lyric about "scary ghost stories." Both Tony Bennett and Johnny Mathis have done solid covers, but I simply like the original best.
5. "Santa Baby" - Eartha Kitt. It's not just because it's one of my wife's favorite holiday songs. I love that the song seamlessly melds a "bedroom vocal" that skewers the holier-than-thou aspects of Christmas with an unconcerned avarice that lampoons the endless commercialization of the holiday season. This song makes guys want to buy that lacy negligee for their wives, while simultaneously giving them license to do so. Madonna has spent 30 years trying to come up with a vocal this sexy.
6. "O Holy Night" - Live version, performed by Josh Groban. A superb, soaring rendition of a classic carol that clearly benefits from it's live performance. While I am not a fan of his usual overwrought histrionics, Groban's restrained (for him) yet powerful performance sets this apart from the many other versions of this song out there. There's no doubting the quality of his voice, and when he respects the music as he does here, he really can create something special.
7. "Mary, Did You Know?" - Kenny Rogers and Wynonna Judd. Just about everything except a traditional carol, this quiet yet thought provoking jewel is perhaps the greatest "this is what Christmas is really about" song in rotation on most radio stations this time of year. Both Rogers and Judd give strong, measured performances, yet it is the brilliance of the lyrics that grabs me every time. I know how many questions and emotions ran through my mind every time I looked at the faces of each of my newborn daughters. And neither of them is the daughter of God.
8. I Wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas" - Gayle Peevey. And now for our goofy entry, allow me to present this rollicking, Italian-flavored bit of whimsy. As far as I know, the singer isn't known for anything but this song, but her little girl voice and the extremely clever lyric make me laugh out loud each time I hear it. Also, last year my younger daughter got hooked by this song, and wound up getting a big stuffed hippo under the tree!
9. "Carol of the Bells (Instrumental version)" - David Foster. I really can't explain why this is my favorite version of this classic carol. Perhaps it is the swelling orchestration, or the staccato, slightly accelerated tempo. Perhaps it is the prominent brass section. Maybe it's the pair of piano interludes. I just know that I really like this version, and can listen to it repeatedly without complaint.
10. "Sleigh Ride" - Leroy Anderson. While there are about a million versions of this song, my favorite remains the original as recorded by the composer Anderson. Best know for his use of unconventional percussion instruments and short, "Pops" style pieces, it all came together perfectly in this song, which really evokes the feel and mental images of a horse drawn sleigh ride down a country lane. How it came to be primarily associated as a holiday song is beyond me (unless it was Arthur Fiedler including it in every Boston Pops Christmas Concert for about 25 years). Still, it's a happy, bouncy fun song that always brings a smile to my face when I hear it (kind of a Christmas song version of Tigger!).

6 Honorable mentions: "The Christmas Song" - Nat King Cole version, "All I want for Christmas is You" - Mariah Carey version (yes, God forgive me, I just wrote that!), "Mary's Boy Child" - Boney M version, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - Frank Sinatra, "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" - Thule Ravenscroft/Boris Karloff (Ravenscroft - better known as the voice of Tony the Tiger - sang and Karloff narrated), "Winter Wonderland" - Annie Lennox version (she could make a reading of the New York phone book sound good....).

And on the flip side, here are the 5 songs that make me want to sit on a rooftop Christmas Eve, one eyelid blinking faster than the other, with a Stinger missile and muttering to myself {in a witches' voice}, "I'll get you, you fat little elf, and your little reindeer too. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

1. "So This is Christmas" - John Lennon and Yoko Ono. I know, by definition, anything with Yoko Ono involved is a disaster. However, this self aggrandizing tripe can only be blamed on the writer, and that was Lennon. "War is over", John? Tell that to the shades of the millions who have perished in conflicts since you penned that asinine lyric. Do you want to take credit for their deaths too? I can't turn the radio off fast enough when this comes on....
2. "Wonderful Christmastime" - Wings. It's ironic that the person to blame for the 2nd song on this list is a former bandmate of Lennon's. In an failed attempt to one-up his former partner when it comes to dreadful holiday songs, McCartney foisted this drivel on the world. I'll allow his apologists to claim he was high when he wrote this, because the atonal melody, vapid lyrics and spoken-word level vocals surely obscure the true talent that McCartney undoubtedly is/was. A dreadful effort from a seminal musical figure.
3. "Last Christmas" - Wham. There's a reason why most of George Michael's biggest hits were written by others, and this song (credited solely to Michael) shows why. This repetitive. vapid piece of fluff was a big hit in England due mostly to Michael unshaven chin and pelvis (before the various gay scandals broke around him). Due to similarities between this and a song by Barry Manilow, Wham was forced by a court settlement to donate all the proceeds to charity. I can understand why the talented Manilow didn't want any of the royalties generated by this crap.
4. "The Christmas Shoes" - NewSong. A monster downer based upon an urban legend from the Internet, this song would be enough to make Tony Robbins consider suicide a legitimate option. I know, I know, the message is about charity and self-sacrifice, but good grief, what a depressing set-up. Perhaps I'm being callous here, but listening to a story about a soon to be orphan begging for cash to buy ruby slippers or whatever is NOT my idea of a good time. I have enough trouble watching Bambi the rest of the year, so this sure as heck doesn't create any "holiday spirit" in my book!
5. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" - Frank Sinatra and Cyndi Lauper (No, that's not a misprint). Great idea! Hook up Ol' Blue Eyes and the Fun Girrrrl and have them remake a seasonal classic. Uhm, no. Instead they got Old Blue Eyes (the one whose voice was shot) and a squeaky-voiced ex-professional wrestling manager wannabe. Needless to say, the trainwreck that followed is best left in the moldering files of Dr. Demento so as not to demean Sinatra's brilliance. Lauper is now providing voices for animated children's television and doing occasional nostalgia appearances. Yep, that's about right. Let us speak no more of this forever.

Well, there you have it. As I said at the beginning, one man's trash is another's treasure, so please keep your flames to yourself. However, if you would like to post your own lists, please feel free to do so. I would be interested to see if there was anything I missed. Finally, my best wishes to everyone for a wonderful holiday season.

Take care,

John